All this hate and negativity is probably bad for me
But fake positivity disgusts me

All happiness is fake anyway, just a temporary illusion kept alive by denial and cherry picking

How can you be a happy camper after being born into a pile of garbage? Whole life spent untangling trauma and all the fucked up behavioral patterns it caused 

They know what they’re doing and still they calmly do it. God

On one of the pressing evenings I realized, I really don’t have to see the next morning. Yet I did. Some curiosity or hope keeps me going. Until it doesn’t

All my past achievements are disappearing into a mist. I guess they weren’t such divine events after all

The dark things are disappearing too

Walk away, I would tell my young self
Walk where, he would reply

Good point

This hotel room is as good place as any

Once, years and years ago, I collapsed and couldn’t stop crying. I was wailing. Still, in that state, on my knees, face numb, arms limp, wailing like a dying animal, I could see myself from above and thought to myself “how dramatic”

Is it normal to be this fucking self conscious?
Doesn’t matter anymore. Old stuff, useless repetition

I would not be young again even if I was given the chance
It all seems like a glorified status game

The biggest horror is to be just like all the other idiots. My plan was to ascend. I wanted to fly above to mountaintops

All these intrusive memories, images, emotions, fantasies, desires, fears

What a mess

What a fucking mess